For the curious wandering mind:

I promised myself I wouldn’t text you, and I won’t. But there is this part of me that is itching to just say everything and get it off my chest. And if you’re curious enough to hop on over to read about my bagatelle life, then more power to you. Here we go:

I truly and sincerely love you with all of my heart. I fell in love with youon March 23rd only 20 days after we satarted dating, but it was/is oh so real. I was siting in the back of Kailyn’s car driving home from seeing the Hunger games at 3 o clock in the morning. I was under the blanket she gave me, shivering. You climbed in the back with me and held me and kept me warm until I fell asleep in your arms. My heart was racing faster than I have ever known it to and I felt that whirling feeling I’ve told you about so many times. It was born on that night. When we got back to my house, whe i got out of the car you got out of the car and embracedme so tightly that i kept holding on. The feeling in my stomach itensififed so much that I thought I was going to cry. Not sad tears but happy tears. It was telling me, “Never let go, what if he doesn’t come back?” And i didn’t want to let go, but eventually I had to. We kissed, and hugged and I went inside. I felt so special, and so happy.

Sadly, this not where the story ends. Nor, is this where it began. We pace back to my sophomore year. I was recovering from my first ACL and miniscus surgery. I was out with my friends, but eventually y mom came and picked me up and took me home. Litle did she know I had a half gallon of vodka tucked in my pants. (keep in mind I was on crutches at the time) I stashed away the bottle in my closet in my room and emerged into the kitchen. Sitting at the kitchen table was my older sister mariah, her friend Erin, posibly someone else that I don’t quite remember, and well, you. The nearest and only open seat was next to you, at the head of the table. So i sat down and we played board games — Apples to Apples, i think — and to my surprise I found a wondering han on my thigh. It was rubbing it, squeezing it, and would only stop briefly to play the game. Following that night we texted for the remainder of the weekend and into the next week, which content contained exhorbent amounts of winky faces. We made plans to hang out that Friday and watch Neflix. The week went by and I was talkin to our mutual friend Danielle about how excited I was. I was literally giddy and that was something odd. You came ver and we put Juno on via my laptop and well didn’t watch the movie. We kissed, we touched, we licked and eventually started stuff that we didn’t get to finish. After watching two movies it was time to take you home, and after my mom and I had dropped you off I wanted to tell my mom how I liked you and how I had fun with you. But following that Friday night, it was clear that you didn’t like me, that you were just experimenting — as pointed out by you and our good friend Danielle. Take that multiply it by two.

Not yet up to recent past, i digress. We started to talk again and it was pretty okay, you would actually talk to me after we did stuff and i was thinking I could get used to it. Ha. That was until it seemed acceptable for you to make out wth my cousin. I despised the both of you for 6 months and a day, until I receied a message on facebook containing a heartfelt aplogy and extension of friendship (december 7th). Being the kind soul I am I accepted the apology and grew more than civil but rather chummy with you. Eventually we once again started to talk.

Fast forwarding through the details where I took your virginity and realized I never stoped liking you, to the night of March 3rd, I was sitting inmy good friend Kayt’s room with many of my other friends, texting you. After pesters and pesters of people trying to know my life, I told them I was talking to you. I get several”oh” s and “why”s and a “thats nice”, not too encouraging. But i left her house early to go see you. Aside from all of our laughing about me “letting it flab” and the booger I had in my nose, I laid down on the hood of beast that is my dad’s van. LAying on top of me we stared into each other’s eyes, and moments later we were boyfriends, a couple, together. Happiness was slowly becoming a tangible thing for me.

Life was good for a wonderful two months following. Then we got busy. You had track and school and thingd and I had school and my hours were picking up at work. We didn’t hang out much — well, at all. You wre busy studying for finals, and I would extend numerous invitations for those two weeks to do something, to see eachother, take fifteen minutes to go get dunkn. I was shut down, every time. Either you werent allowed, or were too busy, or had other plans. Skiping over the horrendous Cedar Point trip that was one of the shittiest days of my life (hack my personal if you want to know about that one), we werapart for 2 weeks and then you went on vacation. (After spending a whole day to pack instead of seeing me.) Only a week I told myself. Maybe when he comes back he would stop flirting with other gay guys, maybe he’ll actually want to hang out with me. Maybe he’ll stop telling me that he’d cheat on me. Maybe, I’ll have the Jesse i fell in love with back and douche Jesse will burn in a fire. Maybe, I’ll actually believe him when he tells me he loves me. Well, we fought towards the end of his trip and tings were on the rocks already. I could tell he had lost complete sight o us. Upon the day of his return  I invited him to my fire with people, and he said he would ask our friend kay and then didn’t show up, didn’t text. Oh well, i got too drunk to care and professed my love for him to everyone around the fire as i was dripping wet and naked. you came back from camping on monday and I asked if you ahd wanted to hang out on the next day, my only day off of work before the weekend. With no fail, dissappointing me, he already had plans.

I felt abandoned, alone, unwanted, unworthy. I put you high up on this pedestool where i viewed you and you didn’t help me up too, you pushed me down to my knees and made me cry. I  can’t tell you how many times I’ve went to Chynna’s and just sat outside chain smoking and crying because of how you made me feel. You made me fall for you hard, but I guess you were too busy checking out brad — this something new full of mytery, when you know me SO well (fucking NOT) — to remember to catch me. You read Kailyn’s texts and knew I wanted a break, but how could yu blame me. Having to confide in my friends for comfort, i was EMBARASSED to tell them the things you said or did. I din’t wasnt to b the victim and for you to be the bad guy. But that’s what it boiled down to every time, and that was the truth. I was right  never believe youwhen you said, “I love you.” I was right to break up with you. I understand you are busy, I am too. The difference is I love you so much and want to be with you enough to make you a priority in my life, make sure i have time. NOt you. With your passive attitude whatever happened happened. Single is best according to your tweets, so I hope you enjoy it. I’m just glad that atleast one of us is happy, and i sure as hell isn’t me. But although I may not be happy, you won’t bring me down anymore. I’m not falling for that bullshit you pulled on me to put me uner your spell those many times. And so, “I will always be here, figuritively.” (as i tweeted and you retweeted) An unsarisfied ex-boyfriend that missed out on because you were blinder than the sun. I was one hell of a boyfriend, and someday I will be another guys’ who will actually appreciate me enough to hold my hand, hug me and kiss me in public, not give a fuck what his parents say, make me a priority, and love me like you only thought you did. Goodbye Jesse Ray.